Emails I Will Never Send

TO: americanvoters@lazyvoters.com
FROM: Stinky Pete
CC:
RE: Uhm vote

Dear Voters,
Once upon a time I did not vote in a presidential election when I was able to. This election was very close and resulted in some minor problems for our country (No Child Left Behind, the wars everywhere, other crazy things). I didn't vote because I didn't educate myself on the issues.

I don't want to use this opportunity to endorse the candidate I like. I'd just like to persuade you to vote. Period. Educate yourself about the issues. Our president really does make HUGE decisions that will change the fate of our nation. Check out this post at No Pasa Nada. Your vote really does matter.

Sincerely,

Stinky Pete


TO: pita@pita.org*
FROM: Mrs. Stinky Pete (your English teacher)
CC: the powers that be
RE: getting kicked out of class

Dear Disruptive Student,

Today, when you were talking about what shoes you were going to buy this weekend and I told you to be quiet, I meant it. I meant it the other five times I told you to be quiet and to sit down and to work on your classwork and to not touch her hair and to please put your chips away and to not yell in that tone of voice and to please respect school property. I mean all those things. And then, when I kicked you out of class, I didn't think it was funny. In fact, I kind of wanted to cry. See I think you teenagers are the future of our nation and it scares me that you don't take your education seriously (especially since it's free to you). I really appreciate your sense of humor but don't think I'll laugh when I get our school report card and feel really guilty that more of my students didn't pass.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Pete

PS: Bring your literature book to class tomorrow for once!

*It's either pita like the bread or the abbreviation for Pain In The Ass

TO: Fitworksgym.com
FROM: Stinky Pete
CC: My husband
RE: Gym membership

Dear Fitworks,
I know you probably don't remember me, I haven't been to the gym in over a month. I have lots of good excuses about how my dog ate my gym card and how my right pinky muscle has really been bothering me but I realize those are unacceptable. I'm really thinking I should consider cancelling my membership but can't do it out of principal. I'm one of those workout freaks who knows she will work out since she pays for the membership.

So, please be patient with me until I return. Oh, and save me the nice elliptical machine for when my pinky muscle heals up. I really like the one you can work out on without getting frozen by the fan and really close to the drinking fountain since I just had a kidney stone. That's another reason I haven't been to the gym.

Smell ya later,
Stinky Pete

TO: sweetlittleneighbors@it'sabeautifuldayintheneighborhood.com
FROM: Stinky Pete
CC:
RE: the noise

Dear Neighbor,
I really appreciate you and love you and all but please don't put your dog outside to bark starting at 5:30 AM. I still have fifteen more minutes I can sleep and I'd really love to enjoy those precious moments. So keep Fido inside until at least 6:00 AM or else....

Sincerely,
Sleepy Pete